Hold your horses

"Due to ____'s {I'll keep names private for their sake} illness, we need to put trip plans on hold. I'll be in touch."

Woah woah woah.

Heart-shattering-dream-breaking-freak-out-heart-attack moment pulsing through me as I read the email from our trip coordinator. It just can't be falling apart. Again. Not this time. Please.

^This is the reaction of Megan Riefer. Actually, I can't even type out my full reaction. Because I can't write out how bad it scares me to see it pulling out of my hands.

But within a moment the true Author of this story sweeps in saying, "Hoooold your horses, Meg. Take a closer look."

Where I never saw before, I see plainly where my dream is backwards. I've made this trip, a real calling from Him, into the thing I am ultimately seeking, craving. I've longed for the gift more than the Giver. The dream more than the call. The destination more than the journey. Don't I so often twist His plan??Hold your horses, Meg. Let's change some of this around...

Everything I should be leaning on? Jesus Christ - all of who He is.
My big plans? His big plans. Let's place it back where it belongs, Meg. This isn't your story. It's His.
What truly keeps me going? Again. Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

It's shocking, really, how quickly I try to snatch things into my own hands.

Deep breath. (It really takes a lot from me to set it back in His hands and give over. I feel a little kid again, handing over the precious, beloved toy...) Ouch. I really want this trip. [which isn't a bad thing, in itself...but it's highly important that I've got the big picture straight]

How quickly I forget all He's already taught me on this journey. This isn't the first time a trip has shut down on me. Each time it has, I've learned valuable lessons that I wouldn't have gained had I not started down that option. Each long night of confusion and questions brought me closer to Him and showed me just how much this dream is worth. Through it I've seen Him open doors and shut them, each time with purpose, each time proving that He is able to open opportunities like that. He opened this one. And if He chooses to close it, it is only because He has a better plan in mind. How could I shudder from that?

Still, after just so many times, it gets a little old and discouraging...and doubtful. Is this really what God wanted from me....?

Again He sweeps in and corrects my doubts. "Meg, you know. I've shown you over and over. Don't give in to the Enemy's lies." How much am I willing to take for this? How many set backs and cancelations and changed plans will smack me in the face? Do I give up when things don't work out the first, the second, the third, the fourth times, or do I push harder? Step further. Every pace forward invests me deeper into this calling He's placed on my heart and closer to His very heart. And if that is the case - then I can't let it shut me down.

So. Onward. Into the truly - unknown.

But it's not unknown to Him. Hold your horses, Meg. Have faith. He's got this one.

I'm ready to watch what He'll do next.